After trashing their planet, a race of aliens is looking for a new home. Fortunately, Earth is a perfect match. Now all they have to do is convince the natives to make room. The only problem is their spokesman doesn't know he's working for an "off-planet" entity or that he's going to have to make the first intergalactic sale with an emergency haircut.

Elderly spies and seeing-eye chihuahuas: ALIENS FOR SALE is a rollicking farce that skewers marketing, politics and pop culture.

 

 

 

ALIENS FOR SALE
Randy Lankford

[SOUND OF A CROW LANDING ON A CHAIN LINK FENCE] leaned back in her ornate chair and steepled her talons. Hers was slightly higher and much more elaborately carved than the fourteen other chairs arranged around the enormous table. It was a small but important detail that it was the only one with armrests.

She took advantage of them. She rested her chin lightly on the tips of her claws, wearing the well-practiced neutral expression she’d developed over the years. She carefully controlled her breathing as she quietly watched the interaction of the other members of the Council of Leaders.

The Supreme Leader of [SOUND OF A WORM SNEEZING] was in her natural element. Everyone around her was arguing while she sat, quietly dignified, and waited. Patience was an important quality in a planetary leader. She knew when to take control and when to let others think they were in charge.

The shouting had been going on for some time now but [SOUND OF A CROW...] was nothing if not patient. She was willing to let the process run its course. She waited, outwardly serene, while the Council’s usual flurry of finger-pointing and accusations played itself out. She was still firmly in control of the meeting, even though she hadn’t spoken for nearly ten minutes.

She’d already decided that there was only one answer to the current crisis, but she had long since learned to let her counselors find it for themselves.

As the Supreme Leader of the planet the final decision would, of course, be hers. It was a responsibility she did not take lightly. Having already made her decision, it was now a simple matter of making the question fit the answer. She wanted to make sure she had a broad base of allies to share the blame in the unlikely event her plan failed.

[SOUND OF A WORM...] had become a very unpleasant place to live. It was overcrowded, dirty, noisy and smelled bad. It was clear, at least to her, that the planet would have to be abandoned.

Oh sure, residents could adopt pollution controls, exercise some restraint to reduce population growth, occasionally sweep the streets and a thousand other things to preserve their homeworld. But that would be expensive, bothersome, unpopular and not a good way to get re-elected. And like most politicians, [SOUND OF A CROW...]’s number one job after being elected, was to be re-elected.

Moving was so much simpler.

She had made her opinion known and now the council was feverishly trying to justify it.

“[SOUND OF A CROW...]’s proposal is, of course, correct,” said [SOUND OF A PEANUT GOING THROUGH AN ELEPHANT’S SMALL INTESTINE]. [SOUND OF A PEANUT...] knew who got him into the cushy position he now held and was smart enough to support her. [SOUND OF A CROW...] gave him an almost imperceptible nod of approval.

“[SOUND OF A WORM...], while beloved by us all, is stricken. It is a tragic fact that through no fault of our own or any of our immediate families, our planet has become uninhabitable.” He paused, considering his own hyperbole. “Or at least not very pleasant to inhabit.” The other counselors nodded their agreement. They hoped [SOUND OF A PEANUT...] had a plan on which they could all agree.

“Relocation is our only reasonable course of action,” [SOUND OF A PEANUT...] added. “But, my friends, what we must consider is: Where shall we go?”

“Somewhere sunny,” shouted [SOUND OF A THREE IRON HITTING A SATELLITE DISH].

“With lots of beaches,” added [SOUND OF A PILLOW BOILING].

“It should be big,” suggested [SOUND OF A LAWN CHAIR BEING DRAGGED THROUGH GRAVEL].

[SOUND OF FOUR BALLOONS POPPING] sat at [SOUND OF A CROW...]’s right paw. At her subtle signal he pushed himself slowly to his feet. It appeared to be a heroic effort. He held one paw imperiously before him. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he harrumphed. The members of the council ground angrily to a halt.

They barely tolerated [SOUND OF FOUR BALLOONS...]. He wasn’t an official member of the council. He wasn’t even a politician, for [SOUND OF AN ANGEL DANCING ON THE HEAD OF APIN]’s sake. He was a scientist. In fact, he was [SOUND OF A WORM...]’s leading scientist and a trusted advisor to [SOUND OF A CROW...]. Having never run for office, he had the annoying habit of saying exactly what was on his mind. The council members were leery of anyone so reckless.

“I have anticipated this question,” he said smugly. “And have done some research.” [SOUND OF FOUR BALLOONS...] nodded to an assistant standing near the door, who snapped off the lights. Council members muttered to each other as they twisted their chairs to face the screen at the back of the room.

“Always with the slides.”

“Showoff.”

“Drama queen.”

The scientist turned on an overhead projector. “As you can see, there are approximately one thousand planets comparable in numerous ways to [SOUND OF A WORM...]. After exhaustive research, I have determined the best choice to be the planet we know as [SOUND OF A MEDIUM-SIZED TOAD LANDING IN COTTAGE CHEESE]. The current inhabitants call it ‘Earth.’”

[SOUND OF A CROW...] smiled in the darkness. She was more than happy to give the council members a straw to clutch at. Having the planet’s leading scientist endorse her plan would make it just that much easier for the council to ratify it.

Council members nodded appreciatively and muttered their agreement.

[SOUND OF A PEANUT...] took a minor risk. Asking a question would increase his stature as a conscientious, thoughtful member of the council. It could, however, make him appear to be questioning [SOUND OF A CROW...]’s judgment. But he was an experienced politician and savvy enough to ask the right question.

“Dr. [SOUND OF FOUR BALLOONS...], what was the deciding factor in choosing this planet...what did you call it, Earth?”

[SOUND OF A CROW...] was pleased. Her lieutenant hadn’t questioned the choice, only the procedure. The other council members were pleased as well. Asking a question could be considered debate. They could now truthfully tell their constituents they had carefully considered the decision.

[SOUND OF FOUR BALLOONS...] was concise in his response. “It’s the closest.”

The vote was immediate and unanimous.